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All The Best Men
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I went to a wedding and came out with not one hot guy, but three.
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“I need something blue to wear. Someone give me something blue nowwwww!”
Elaine’s howls rang through the church belfry. Because for the better part of an hour, my best friend had been ranting and raving like a lunatic on steroids.
“Nowwww!” she screeched again, causing a couple of us to shield our ears with hurried hands. “Noooowwww!”
I get that brides want everything to be perfect on their wedding day. But this was taking Bridezilla to a new level. Elaine’s tantrum had everyone terrorized, including both her grandmas and the lone cat cowering under a wooden bench.
“Damnit!” she shrieked again, face purple with rage. I swear, my friend was going to have a stroke, and then it’d be a real disaster for sure. But Elaine couldn’t be stopped. She rushed around furiously, ransacking the small room, throwing things this way and that.
“Nowwww!” she screeched again, the cords in her neck standing out unattractively. “Blue, I swear, it needs to be blue!”
I ran forwards then.
“Elaine, it’s just a saying,” I said hurriedly, one hand on her arm. “Don’t worry about it, it’s just a metaphor.”
Because what could we do? It was literally minutes until the ceremony, and somehow this small detail had slipped. But trust Elaine to overreact because she whipped her head from right to left, almost dislodging the tiara on her head.
“No!” she shrieked. “I can’t get married unless I have something blue. Haven’t you heard the old saying? Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. I have everything but the blue item. If I don’t have it, then I’m gonna be cursed forever! We might as well get divorced nowwwww!” she wailed again, face crumpling into an ugly mask.
Oh god, snot was beginning to come out of that perfect ski-slope nose, runny yellow goopy stuff. So thinking on the fly, I did the only thing that came to mind.
“Here,” I said hurriedly, reaching down to tear a strip from the bottom of my dress. Thank god this thing was almost floor length. Hopefully no one would notice that it was now ragged at the hem. “You can use this,” I said holding up the material.
But it just made things worse. Because Elaine lunged at me then, eyes wild, nails ready to scratch.
“Are you crazy Katie?” she shrieked. “That’s green, not blue!”
I ducked out of the way, saving my own life. Anyone else would have quit right about now. But like a trooper, I plowed on ahead.
“Here,” I said hurriedly, fumbling for a blue magic marker that just happened to be lying on a nearby table. Uncapping the felt pen, I colored the strip of green silk until it was blue in the center. It was ugly for sure, a first-grader could have done better, but hey, difficult circumstances call for ingenious solutions, and this was my MacGyver attempt.
“Here,” I pushed the strip of silk towards her. “It’s blue now.”
Elaine took it, eyeing the ribbon suspiciously.
“This is still green,” she said imperiously, sniffing. “I can’t use it.”
Exasperated, I grabbed the material from her again, coloring furiously once more so that it was definitely blue. Sad and limp-looking yes, but still better than nothing.
“Here,” I said as calmly as possible, pushing it into her hands. “This is blue.”
Elaine’s chin began to wobble.
“Bu- but how am I going to wear it?” cried Elaine tearfully. “I’m decked out to the nines in my wedding gown, how am I gonna wear this?”
A tear perched precariously on the edge of her black lashes. Oh god, oh god, disaster was coming. Because Elaine had on globs of mascara, almost like spiders around her eyes. And if she cried, black streaks were gonna run down her face, making her look like a witchy ghoul. We’d really be done for then.
And like a nightmare, the wedding march started outside, organ strains rising melodiously from behind the closed church doors. Uh oh. Time to pull out all the stops and get this show on the road.
In a flash, I was down on my knees next to Elaine, which was no easy feat given my curvy form and the puke-green bridesmaid dress that poufed everywhere.
“Here,” I said urgently. “I’ll tie it around your leg. No one will see, and no one has to see. As long as you have something blue on, you’re gonna be fine.”
With that, the bluish-green strip of silk was fastened around Elaine’s thigh with a jerk, the knot tied tight. I got up again, brushing curls out of my face, heaving and panting from stress.
“Elaine,” I said seriously, taking those narrow shoulders between my hands and staring my friend in the eye. “It’s fine. You can do it. Everything’s perfect.”
And with that, my best friend took a long, slow, snuffly breath.
“I guess so,” she murmured, blinking back tears. “I guess so.”
“Go!” I said, physically turning her shoulders so that she faced the big doors. “We’re gonna walk out after you. Go!”