Total pages in book: 114
Estimated words: 111165 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 556(@200wpm)___ 445(@250wpm)___ 371(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 111165 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 556(@200wpm)___ 445(@250wpm)___ 371(@300wpm)
I stare at him blankly. “How do you remember that? I swear, the more pot you smoke the smarter you get.”
“I know!” he exclaims. “That’s what I tried to tell my mother when I was in high school but she kicked me out of the house instead. So when are you going to the gay pride parade?”
That last bit would normally sound odd but the fact is, today I’m picking up Noah and taking him to the parade in West Hollywood. This year the parade has sort of morphed into a resistance march, so now Marina wants to come too.
Of course all of this will be unbeknownst to my mum and Daryl. I’m telling them I’m just taking Noah to the beach. Then we’ll swing by Marina’s and pick her up after she’s done one of her live hive removals and Noah can get ready for the parade there. He’s just a spectator but he wants to say something by dressing up, whatever that may be.
“I should probably get going anyway,” I say, getting to my feet. I’ve donned a T-shirt with a rainbow steamroller graphic on it by The Oatmeal out of support.
“So, how is it going with your giiiiiiirlfriend?” Scooby asks like he’s ten years old.
“Good,” I tell him.
Because it has been good.
It’s been better than good.
We’ve been together for a few weeks now and, honestly, it’s been the best weeks of my life. Ever since New York, I’ve been living a dream, on a high that never ends, floating over the clouds, basking in the sunshine. I’ve never, ever had this connection with anyone before, never been so infatuated, so obsessed. I just want to be with her night and day, inside her bed, inside her, finding myself, my place in this world.
Marina has become my sanctuary, a place for my heart to be at rest, sheltered from the elements.
And she loves me.
She loves me.
She hasn’t said it much since that night at the show, in the bathroom, after our fight. I know she’s shy about it, tentative, because I have yet to say it back. But it means the world to me that she’s given me her heart.
I just…I’m finding it harder and harder to not be scared by the whole thing. It’s that insidious undercurrent that lurks beneath everything bright and new and happy. I’m scared that what she feels for me, I’ll never be able to give back to her. And I’m scared that when she realizes that, she’s going to leave me.
These are probably normal fears to have. I’ve just never been so wrapped up in someone before, I wouldn’t know how normal they are. Is this what it’s like in any relationship when you really care about someone? Being friends with Marina before we got together made it so she knows me inside and out, as much as I can give, and is still there for me, by my side. I just don’t see how I can deserve someone like her.
And yet I have her.
I have her big, gorgeous, red heart.
I have her open and giving soul.
I have her mind and body and every little piece of magic that she’s put together with.
I have her and yet I feel like I’m barely holding on.
She’s slipping through my fingers like sand.
And she doesn’t even know it.
“You all right?” Scooby asks warily. “You seem more dark and moody and tortured-writer than usual.”
“I’m fine,” I tell him, squeezing past him in the door way and heading down the hall, grabbing my keys from the hook.
“Maybe you need more lycopene in your diet,” he says, waving the tomatoes around.
Seriously, I’ve never met a stoner who ate so many vegetables when he got the munchies.
I get in my car and head out to the Murdock compound.
Along the way my thoughts begin to drift. I think about Marina.
I think about what's next for us.
I think about what's usually next for me at this point.
But there's never been a point like this for me before.
All those girls I've dated, none of them mattered in the end and they didn't matter because I didn't want them to matter. I just wanted the company. I wanted someone by my side, someone who was dependable. That's what my girlfriends became, someone to count on, a warm body in my bed, a presence in my life. Growing up, I never had that. With them, I did.
But I kept my heart safe, I never invested. I never opened up. I never shared the real me with them. I never even came close.
It was the only way I could not be rejected.
That's not saying I was always the one doing the dumping.
Two girls I dated (no, not at the same time), Carlee and Jill, they dumped me way before I had a chance to do the same to them.