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We promised each other forever, and now that’s gone. My memory of you is our daughter. I said I would never move on, but something happened. Someone moved into the house next door. She works at our daughter’s preschool. Everywhere I go, she’s there. My forever is changing now… I’m falling in love with her. Loving her means forgetting you. Loving her means letting you go. Loving her… means everything to me.
I love you endlessly,
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I don’t want to write these words anymore. I want to speak them to you. I want to stare into your dark brown eyes, watch your lips move as you tell me something about that day that means so much, but wouldn’t mean a thing to someone else. The way the corners of your mouth get wider the more you get excited. The way you start to smile long before you actually want to smile. Because that’s just who you are. What you do. Bringing a light to my life, to the world. To everyone you meet. When we first met, I was jealous. I know, it’s crazy. Looking at me, you’d never think I’d be jealous. And trust me, I’m not that type. But I was the jealous one. Jealous because everyone was looking at you. You didn’t know it though. There were so many others to look at. Those who were offering what I only wanted from you. You made me put my glass down. I think we both know that there’s only a few times in the history of mankind that I put my glass down for someone.
Something happened. The world twisted a little. Not only did you end up in my arms, right where you belonged, but I was no longer jealous. I didn’t have time to be jealous. My world became you. My existence. Every demon I had to shake off, was because of you. Instead of me being jealous of everyone, everyone became jealous of me. I had gotten her. The perfect woman. A woman that knew right when to hug me and to soothe me, kiss me to shut me up, pull me into the bedroom when you knew exactly what you wanted from me. But more than that, a woman who went from flirting with other women to tease me, to a woman standing in the bathroom, holding your round belly, staring at yourself in the mirror, readying yourself to give birth to our daughter. And never once did you show fear. Never once did you doubt yourself. Never once did you doubt me. A woman who leaned on me, trusting my strength and my love. And a woman who cradled our daughter for the first time… looked up at me… and finally let herself go.
I never wanted to see you cry but I know I made you cry many times. But that moment, when you cried, holding Sadie, it all made sense to me. I was the guy who went for a slice of pizza and fell in love. Not with the pizza though, even though it was pretty damn good. It was you, Ev. I fell in love with you. And then I had you. You carried our daughter. You carried my heart.
Then you gave Sadie to me to hold. She was so tiny in my hands. My arms. I thought I was going to break her. She was precious. Like she was made from porcelain. I compared every feature of hers to yours. She was going to be beautiful. No. She was beautiful.
I looked down at you and asked if you wanted her back.
You told me to soak the moment in. That it was okay to cry. That I should cherish every moment holding her.
So I did.
I soaked the moment in. I cried a little. I cherished those moments.
But I kept looking at you.
Your messy hair, your tired face, but your eyes were so alive.
You whispered, “This is all ours… for the rest of our lives together…”
I felt like a king.
I never felt so strong in my life.
But soon enough, I would be the only one holding our daughter. I would be the only one taking care of Sadie. I would be the one playing daddy, mommy, and everything in between.
Remember the time I caught you crying, alone, in our bed? Because you were thinking about your mother and it hurt you that she wasn’t around to see you and your growing belly. That she didn’t care that you were becoming a mother. That you felt like you had nowhere to turn to ask for any advice without looking weak. I slipped my arms around you and held you. I had nothing to say because I didn’t want to step on your pain.
You told me you would just swallow it in and show strength for our daughter.
That’s how you slipped the news to me that we were having a girl.
You took a bad moment and made it something great, something special.
That’s what I’ve been doing. For a long time.
But the days are catching up to me, Everly.
I miss you more than I ever thought I possibly could.
I never wanted to be left like this. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t want it. But it happened. Now I’m alone, Everly. I’m so alone.