Total pages in book: 149
Estimated words: 151384 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 757(@200wpm)___ 606(@250wpm)___ 505(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 151384 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 757(@200wpm)___ 606(@250wpm)___ 505(@300wpm)
“Yes, you are,” he said calmly.
“I’m not. And you don’t get to tell me who I am. I don’t care whether you think you’re in charge or not. This is my life. Keep pushing and I’ll push back.”
It was a ridiculous thing to say. Like she had any power to push back.
You’re powerless.
You’ve always been powerless.
A sob escaped her. And something like regret filled Tobias’s face.
“Immy, talk to me. Tell me why you’re so afraid of this. You shouldn’t be scared of that side of yourself. Especially when she’s already here.”
“What . . . what do you mean?”
“Your Little side, she’s always with you. She’s a part of you. You just need to let her fully out instead of keeping the heart of her locked away.”
What the cupcake?
Why was he doing this?
“I’m not doing this.”
Keep it together, Immy.
She didn’t know what she felt like doing. Screaming? Crying? All she knew was that her emotions were bubbling over and they were making her feel out of control.
“I want to leave now.”
“Don’t want to upset you—”
“Well, you’re not doing a good job.”
He eyed her for a long moment. “Can see that. Just want you to know that your Little side is part of who you are. And who you are is fucking amazing, Immy.”
How was she supposed to be mad at him when he said something like that?
“I can’t let myself . . . I can’t be like that . . . I can’t. It’s wrong.”
“So Cat’s wrong for being the way she is?”
“Of course not! Cat is amazing! But she is beautiful and kind and crazy. She doesn’t need anyone. She can do everything herself. So can Maeve.”
“And you can’t?” He tilted his head to the side. “Don’t you think you’re capable of doing anything?”
“I’m not,” she said harshly. “I can’t do anything! I’m useless!”
“Immy?” The voice came from the doorway and she glanced up, her breath coming in sharp pants.
Why was Jenner there? And Abe and Sampson? They weren’t due back until tomorrow. Isaiah was locked away upstairs, which is why she’d brought out the Christmas decorations tonight.
“Immy, why would you say you’re useless?” Jenner asked, sounding horrified. He rushed forward, glaring at Tobias. “What the fuck did you do?”
“He didn’t do anything!” she cried, even though that wasn’t actually true. But she didn’t want Jenner to be mad at Tobias. Even if she kind of still was.
Who you are is fucking amazing, Immy.
Those words were sweet and they were amazing and she just wasn’t sure that she believed them.
Because she wasn’t amazing like everyone else. They all had these awesome careers. They all shone like bright stars. She was the one who was a burden.
“Then why the fuck are you so upset?” Sampson snarled, grabbing hold of Tobias’s shoulder.
Tobias stood and swung around. “Don’t fucking touch me.”
Oh no.
No, no.
“He wouldn’t be touching you if you weren’t upsetting Immy,” Jenner said.
Tobias turned to Jenner. “I was upsetting her because I was pushing her to admit who she is. To understand why she is so scared of showing her Little side, of embracing it. Something you all have been too scared to do. You’ve let her live in denial and maybe fear.”
“Fear?” Jenner said starkly. “What do you mean, she lives in fear?”
“Immy?” Abe asked. “You’ve been living in fear?”
“No! Of course not!” She stood up and immediately started shifting around, fidgeting.
“You’re lying,” Jenner said. “You can never stay still when you’re lying. Immy, talk to us.”
“Immy, why do you suppress your Little?” Abe asked. “Are you scared to admit to being a Little?”
“I don’t . . . I’m not scared.”
“You’re still fidgeting,” Jenner said. He cupped her face between his hands. “Immy, talk to us.”
“I just . . . I don’t want to be any more of a burden!” she yelled. “I shouldn’t be like this! It’s wrong. I don’t mean being a Little is wrong but I’m already so much work, I’m always sick, I can’t live alone, I can’t do much of anything! Useless just like my father always said! And I can’t even do the one thing he wanted me to do and have children.”
“What do you mean?” Jenner asked, going pale.
“The . . . the doctors once told me that they thought it would be pretty difficult for me to get pregnant, at least without help. Maybe I could with IVF, I don’t know.”
“Oh, baby,” Jenner whispered. “You’re so young and there’s lots they can do if you want to have a baby.”
“I know, I’m not even sure I do want that. It’s just . . . my father was so disappointed when I told him. This was about six months before he died. ‘Always a disappointment’ are the exact words he used.”
“Fucking bastard,” Sampson snapped.
“Yeah, he was,” she agreed. “I just . . . I don’t want you all to get sick of me. To wake up one day and regret that you ever took me under your wing. I was so lonely before you all came to the cult. I had no one but my shell of a mom and my bully of a father. I wasn’t allowed to play. Or to laugh. Or to smile. I had to work and work and work. Then you guys arrived. And life became happier. I still had to work, but I didn’t care because I knew I’d see you guys. And when my father would start telling me that I was dumb and useless and worth nothing more than my womb . . . well, those words would slide right off me because I’d think of the way Maeve would smile. Or how Cat would get all fierce. Or Sampson would grumble. Or how Abe would hide me behind him. Or Isaiah would sneak me out of the house. Or how Jenner would sneak into my room and sleep on the floor and keep me safe.”