Total pages in book: 260
Estimated words: 245483 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1227(@200wpm)___ 982(@250wpm)___ 818(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 245483 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1227(@200wpm)___ 982(@250wpm)___ 818(@300wpm)
“Jay!” she cries out my name, struggling to keep me from removing her filthy gown.
I let her arms flail, I let her nails scratch down my forearms, but I rip the thin silk fabric easily. It needs to come off of her. The memory of watching her lie on the dirty ground meshes with the sight of her running just now. I blink and there’s a child in front of me; I blink again and it’s her today.
My body sways as the memories taunt me. She left me. She didn’t have to today. She didn’t have to leave me again!
My body bristles with fury as I tear at the silk.
“Jay, please,” she whimpers and backs away from me as I rip the muddy fabric from her and throw it onto the cement floor. She scuttles away from me until her back hits the wall. “Jay, no!” she screams.
The look in her eyes is what stops me. She’s fucking terrified.
My body shakes as I calm my breathing. I blink again and again. My hands clench and unclench, and I stand there paralyzed.
A moment passes, and then another. I stare as Robin watches me cautiously and I wonder if John’s here, but I know he’s not. He’ll come back in the morning. It’s just us. I close my eyes and rest my knee on the bed, hanging my head low and hating that I’ve scared her.
“I-” I try to talk to her, to apologize and calm myself. “I need to clean you,” I tell her although I speak with my head down and then raise my head to look her in the eyes. “You need your things,” I say and try to sound sane. I know I’m crazy, I know I’m fucked in the head. But I’ll never hurt her. I don’t want to, anyway. “I’m sorry,” I whisper and crawl onto the bed, slowly and making sure she knows I’m here for her. She tries to cover herself with her hands, and my blood heats with both shame and desire.
I grip the sheet, fisting it, I drag it up to her until she takes it.
I don’t stop moving, and even as she tries to wrap the sheet tightly around her body, I lie close to her, like I used to.
“Jay,” she says softly as I lie beside her and rest my head on the pillow. “I’m scared.”
I nod my head, acknowledging her admission and knowing she has reason to be scared. It fucking hurts. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could have come to her and helped her without this fucked up head of mine. I close my eyes and wait for her to relax. She always did. Always. It didn’t matter how bad the day was, or what had happened. Even the day he took her.
She let me hold her, and eventually she’d relax in my arms and fall asleep. Always.
I count the time, using her breaths as a measure. Slowly she molds her body to mine. Slowly her breathing steadies. It will come back to her. It never left me. Not a single day has passed where I don’t imagine her in my arms. Some nights I swear I still felt her warmth, but feeling her now, I know I was a fool.
“Jay, talk to me,” she says softly. She always wanted to talk. I run my nose along her hair and when I let out a heavy sigh, feeling the weight of so many sleepless nights come down on me, her hair brushes against my nose, lifting with my hot breath.
“I don’t want to live like this, Robin,” I tell her and each word scratches its way up my throat. I feel my walls break. She’s powerful like that. Only her. I’m so fucking weak for her.
“Please help me,” I beg her as my eyes sting. She was made for me. I knew it all those years ago; I knew she was sent to me for a purpose.
“I need you,” I whisper against the pillow, my hot breath mingling with hers. I close my eyes as she reaches up and sets her hand down ever so slowly on the side of my face. Her soft skin moves along my rough stubble, and I open my eyes to find hers on me.
“For John?” Her eyes search mine as she asks, and it makes me feel weak. A pathetic huff leaves me as I swallow and stare at the ceiling. It’s not like it was back at the old house. The home I grew up in. Or basement, rather.
“John has no idea.” I turn to her and add, “He doesn’t want to…” I can’t finish. I can’t talk about it. This is why I need her. I wrap my arms tighter around her and pull her in close. I shut my eyes, just for a moment.