Total pages in book: 62
Estimated words: 57240 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 286(@200wpm)___ 229(@250wpm)___ 191(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 57240 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 286(@200wpm)___ 229(@250wpm)___ 191(@300wpm)
It had given Dee many a sleepless night, and my young son who was very attuned to his parents and their moods had picked up on that shit. Since I never wanted him to question my devotion to him, never wanted him getting even a whiff of the circumstances surrounding his birth, I’d gone out of my way to reassure the woman I had sworn to love and honor.
It almost killed me. It was hell being that close to her after all that time and not being able to go to her, not even to get a glimpse of her. I couldn’t risk it, didn’t trust myself not to betray my vows. So I’d put her out of my mind as much as I could and plodded on.
Once again, Shelly had made shit easy by moving clear across town. We didn’t move in the same circles, though we still shared some of the same friends from school, and those mentions here and there were hard to avoid.
By then I had been ass deep in case after case anyway so I didn’t have time to dwell. But I would be lying if I said her return didn’t get me to thinking ‘what if’ every once in a while.
I’d been a man and buckled the fuck down, staying the course, not wavering, no matter how it was breaking my fucking heart. Having her move back was like ripping the bandage off a wound that had never truly healed and watching it bleed again.
When she’d been away it had been easier to bear. But having her so close to me, and not being able to go to her, to touch her, almost killed me.
The mere mention of her seeing someone romantically was enough to send me on a good weeklong tear. As unfair and fucked up as that was.
Once I almost went to her and begged her not to let anyone else have her. I think I was going out of my mind back then. All the old emotions had resurfaced and though Dee and I had no real issues between us, her only complaint being that I wouldn’t give her another child, that was the closest I’d ever come to walking away from my life and saying fuck it.
But it would’ve been selfish and my son would’ve suffered. So once again, I’d turned my back on the one thing I really wanted. The only thing that would make me truly happy in a way nothing else ever could.
I’d tried harder, because of the guilt of not wanting the life I was leading anymore. I’d done my damnedest to make them happy, or as much as I could.
By then Dee and I both knew that we were hanging on by a thread. She’d always known that I was only there for Brandon, but even the few crumbs I’d once thrown her were dwindling. It was a fucked up situation all around and I didn’t need Dee’s threats or her breathing down my neck with her fears of me leaving her for Shelly.
I was being pulled in a million different directions at once and my only outlet was work. Maybe that’s why I’d gone after those guys as hard as I had, why I’d been so good at connecting the dots.
In running from my life, I’d excelled at my job, rising through the ranks and closing out cases as fast as they came across my desk. And all of that had led to the lost of my son.
The pain wasn’t as raw anymore when I thought of my boy, but I had come to accept that it would never go away entirely. I felt guilty for living while he was gone and for the way in which he’d been taken.
I felt guilty for not ever loving Dee the way she wanted. And I felt guilty that their lives were lost because of my job.
I fought back the emotion and tried to stay focused on the here and now. Why had life chosen this for me? And when was I going to catch a fucking break? It seemed every time I got a handle on things something else came along and derailed my shit.
Was life waiting for me to give up? Were all these tests to see how much I could take? I hope to fuck it was through screwing with me, because if anything happened to her, the last thing I had in this world, I’m not sure what the fuck I would do. I was tired of being fucked with.
I’d loved two people in my life with my whole heart. One of them was lost to me forever. Now I was about to go grab the other one and hope to fuck she didn’t spit in my face.
I closed my eyes and begged for the patience to do this right and not mess it up. She had all rights to slam the door in my face and tell me to get fucked, but I was hoping things went a little better than that. I’d hate to have to manhandle her but I came prepared for whatever.