Total pages in book: 139
Estimated words: 128083 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 640(@200wpm)___ 512(@250wpm)___ 427(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 128083 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 640(@200wpm)___ 512(@250wpm)___ 427(@300wpm)
“What the hell are you talking about?”
He was angry. Of course he was. She’d expected that, hadn’t she? His whole life was laid out before him, a golden path toward Princeton in the fall, which would certainly end at a prestigious law firm and then a political appointment after that. He’d mapped it out for her as they’d lain entwined in his bed the weekend his parents were out of town. “It doesn’t have to change your plans, Hollis. I have my dad here, and when you’re done with school we can decide—”
“You’re pregnant? How do you even know”—he stood up—“Cami, how do you even know it’s mine? You were raped.”
She flinched. What was it about that one word that stabbed at her the way it did? How did the sound of it cause flashes of him, over her, invading her body? Why did that single syllable bring to mind the sour smell of his breath and the taste of her own tears? Why did the memory itself stretch across her mouth like that silver piece of tape that had stolen her words and her breath. It was a moment before she could speak. “They tested me in the hospital,” she finally said. “That day. It wouldn’t have been positive, yet if . . . Hollis, they confirmed what I’d suspected. I was already six weeks pregnant. I . . . I couldn’t deal with it then.” She looked down and shook her head. “I put it out of my mind. It was too much, Hollis.” I was spinning. Nothing felt real. My mother and my sister were suddenly gone, and the memories of their violent deaths were invading my every thought.
The guilt was unimaginable. It still was. She’d gone over and over what she could have done differently, rearranging the order of her escape again and again, until it was the four of them leaving that house together instead of just her and her dad.
But in the hospital when they’d told her, she’d been dissociated from her body. In many ways, she still was. She felt like she was somewhere outside herself, floating in the ether. A pregnancy had barely made sense. She couldn’t wrap her head around that reality. And so, she’d let it go, until she couldn’t.
“It was too much? Jesus Christ, Cami. So you waited to spring this on me? Now? Right after I got my acceptance letter to Princeton?”
“I didn’t really decide anything. I just . . . I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
He paced in front of the coffee table, murmuring under his breath. Cami swayed slightly. She felt as tenuous as vapor, like anyone who looked upon her could see straight through to the other side. For a moment she wondered if this was even real, or a nightmare she was having about Hollis’s potential reaction to the news of their baby. She blinked, feeling at risk of going into that fugue state that she’d found herself in at the window yesterday and other times since coming home from the hospital.
He turned toward her then, and in the few seconds he stood staring at her, her own voice rose in her mind. You’re mean, Hollis. Not just now but in general. You’re petty and weak and selfish, and you always think you’re the most important person in the room. She gave her head a small shake, again, unwilling to trust her own feelings. Not right now. “I know it’s a lot. I don’t expect you to be happy about this right away.”
He suddenly stopped and turned toward her, his expression accusing. “Are you?” he asked. “Are you happy about this?”
“Happy? I’m not sure I remember what happiness feels like right now.”
He looked away, once again ignoring her pain. “There was some kind of mistake,” he said, and his expression brightened as though he’d just found a trapdoor in his prison cell. “Maybe you got the timing wrong. Maybe the test in the hospital was a false positive. Or maybe you just wish the baby you’re carrying was mine. Mixing things up, or even straight-out lying, would be understandable, Cam.”
Her mouth fell open, and she felt an odd twisting in her chest. Of all his reactions, she hadn’t expected that. He was really suggesting she knew this baby belonged to . . . her attacker? “I can take a paternity test if you want. When the baby’s born.” I’ll never forgive you if you make me do that, she thought, and again, wondered if she was being fair.
“When the—” He pressed his lips together and turned away for a moment, raising his hands and gripping his hair. “Cam, baby.” He rounded the coffee table and sat back down on the couch and took her hands in his once more. “A kid? A kid is the very last thing you need right now. Think about this. How would you even . . . Listen, there’s a solution to this problem, Cami. You’re not thinking straight, but you don’t have to deal with this.” She noted he’d said you, and not we. He lifted her hand and kissed her knuckle, his lips lingering.