Total pages in book: 124
Estimated words: 116471 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 582(@200wpm)___ 466(@250wpm)___ 388(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 116471 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 582(@200wpm)___ 466(@250wpm)___ 388(@300wpm)
I wanted to protect her, but she was already too deeply involved in my problems as it was. And so for the first time since I’d married Emma, and the first time in a very long time, I lowered my guard and allowed someone to see beyond my cold mask. I allowed Emma to see what I felt for her. Emotions I couldn’t put into words yet. Sometimes I wanted to have her as close as possible, and sometimes, particularly when she commented about my drinking, I wanted to push her far away.
Tears welled in her eyes, and her breathing hitched. She opened her mouth to say what I couldn’t say because her eyes had screamed her feelings for me for a while. I kissed her to silence her, then murmured. “No words, Emma. Not now, not yet. Let me be the first to say them. Soon, I’ll be ready.”
She nodded and swallowed hard.
“Until then, let me show you what I feel.”
I made love to Emma until we both found release, then I sat back in my desk chair and pulled her on my lap.
She snuggled against me and touched my heart. “I’m glad you finally trust me enough.”
I brushed her hair away from her face. “It’s not a matter of trusting you. I simply want to protect you from certain aspects of me.”
Emma sat up. “Samuel, I’m not blind. I’m not stupid. I know you’re struggling, and it doesn’t lessen my feelings for you. You’re human. It’s okay not to always be okay.”
I cupped her cheek. “I’ll be Underboss soon. The men I’ll rule over don’t want their leader to be human, Emma. They want someone who appears bigger than life, someone who makes them believe he’s worth dying for. I’m a symbol, and that symbol can’t have cracks. I’m not the only one with a dark past or problems, but I’ll have to make sure nobody knows.”
She pursed her lips. “I know your men expect you to be strong, but emotions don’t make you weak. Even Dante showed emotions after his first wife died. He was in mourning.”
“For a short while and it never stopped him from being cruelly effective in his job. I lost friends and a twin. That’s not the same as losing a wife.”
She sighed. “I understand being strong for your men, but I’m your wife. I swore to be by your side in good and in bad times, so let me be there for you.”
I brushed a strand from her sweaty forehead. “It’s my job to protect you.”
Her expression darkened. “Yes, and it’s my job to take care of you. Let me help you. Don’t push me away, don’t keep me out. That hurts me more than your problems ever could.”
I kissed her. “I’ll try. I’m used to keeping people out, so this will be new for me.”
She smiled slightly. “That’s okay. I’ll hold you accountable, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Maybe it would be a good start to talk about your drinking.”
I tensed, my defensive walls jumping into place. “I drink often. You’re right.”
“Every day,” Emma said quietly.
I gritted my teeth. “How would you know?”
“Because I can smell it on you, Samuel. I thought you wanted to confide in me?”
I sighed, not liking feeling cornered like that. I felt the strong desire to lock her out again and raise my protective walls. “I don’t keep track, but you could be right. I have been drinking a bit more than I should in recent months.”
Emma nodded, her eyes soft and understanding.
“Alcohol kept me company and listened when I couldn’t open up to anyone else. Now that I have you to confide in, that won’t be an issue anymore.”
Emma gave me a small, hopeful smile, but I could tell she wasn’t quite convinced. Neither was I, but I had survived torture and several attempts on my life. Alcohol really wasn’t an opponent I was worried about.
“My father asked me about children today,” I said. “After the thing with Serafina, he’s always concerned something could happen to me too. I suppose he needs to make sure our bloodline continues.”
Emma regarded me with wide eyes. “Okay.” She tilted her head curiously. “Your mom got really emotional over photos of you, Serafina, and Sofia as babies. Maybe that’s why he feels like grandchildren would be good, to cheer up your mom, you know?”
I nodded. “She’s made peace with having lost Serafina, but sometimes it catches up with her again. That’s why I knew it was a bad idea to look at those photos. Are you still against kids?”
She frowned. “I was never against having kids, Samuel. I’m just worried. Do you want children now because it’s expected of us?”
I sighed. Of course, it was expected of us. “It’s expected, but that’s not why I want children.”
“Then why do you want them?”
“Family is the only place in our world where you can really be yourself.”