Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
“It’s not the Joey I grew up with.”
“I’m not him anymore, Ange.”
Was Gage the same? I couldn’t imagine him being any different, couldn’t imagine him being anyone other than someone who tried to take care of others. He always had a big heart, the stupid thing controlling everything he did. Fuck, he would think I was a goddamned mess. I was one, but I didn’t know how to change it, not anymore.
It was too late for all that. Any other option had been taken away from us.
Still…he was here. I couldn’t believe Gage was here.
I felt it then, the weakness seeping through my muscles, the cracks in my armor expanding, my heart dissolving until I couldn’t help but let go. I curled up, put my head in Angie’s lap.
“Oh, Joey.” She carded her fingers through my hair.
“Do you remember that day? I was so happy. I was finally eighteen. We only had a few weeks to go. You went to the pharmacy to buy condoms and lube—God, I was such a dork.”
She swatted my arm, and I winced. “Shit. Sorry. I forgot you try to punish yourself for something that’s not your fault.” She went back to playing with my hair. “You weren’t a dork. You were…kind. Kindhearted and pure and sweet and strong. It was impossible not to love you, Joey. We all did—Gage most of all.”
“It was impossible not to love him. He made me feel exciting when I never had before, ya know? He made me feel alive, like there was something special inside me.”
“There is.”
“Nah, I don’t think so. Not anymore.”
“Then you need to fight to be something else, to find it again, to find a way to feel special or to be another version of that kind, bighearted boy any of us would have done anything for. But not this. You can’t keep going on like this.”
I breathed for a few minutes, lay there quietly and savored the feel of her fingers scratching my scalp. “When everything happened…with my dad…and knowing why, that he did it because he hated who I was, and that led to Gage’s downfall and him having to live with what he did…then losing him, it was too much. Love means suffering. I don’t know if I can open myself up to that ever again.”
“You love me and Kevin. You’re absolutely head over heels for Miss Olivia.”
I smiled at her name. I didn’t want her to ever know any of the pain we had growing up. “That’s not the same.”
“No.” She shook her head. “It’s really not. Any kind of love can hurt you, but you risk it with us. Plus, no one is asking you to fall in love with Gage or anyone else right now. At the moment, all I want is for you to learn to love yourself and maybe…maybe at least talk to him, or try and be friends with him again. It’s Hero, Joey, the only person I’ve ever known who can match you heart for heart.”
Could I do that? Could I risk talking to Gage? Being friends with him? I didn’t even know how we went back to that, or any version of what we had. Rather than replying directly to what she’d asked, I said, “What’s he like?” I rolled onto my back and looked up at her.
“In some ways, he’s still Gage. He lost it over Olivia. He loves her already, I can see it. In other ways, he’s…more timid, quieter. He’s changed too, how can he not have? It’s normal for something like what you guys went through to change you. Gage was always better at hiding his pain than you were. He buries it, trying to protect others from it, but it’s there. I know it’s there. And you wear your heart on your sleeve and couldn’t hide it if you wanted to.” I rolled my eyes and tried to turn away, but she held my head, stopped me. “That’s not a bad thing. You’re like Romeo that way.”
His old nickname was a shock to my heart.
“Shit. I can’t believe I called him that. I think it was being around Gage. He kept using it.”
I felt it again, that pull in my chest that still hadn’t gone away, not even after all this time. “I need to see him.”
She smiled. “Then I guess it’s a good thing he’s downstairs in my car.”
Heat skittered up my spine, settled on my nape. “Send him up. I might as well get it over with.”
I tried to pretend the pull didn’t grow, that there wasn’t a part of me that thought, Finally.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Gage
I knocked on the door, trying to ignore the trembling in my hand. While part of me thought, This is Jojo, I shouldn’t be nervous, I knew that part was wrong. He wasn’t Jojo anymore, only Joey, and too much had happened between us for us to ever go back. That truth was an overwhelming riot in my chest.